Have you seen hal jordans hair recently ?

sweet lord 

Look I know nobody cares about green lantern any more but for us madmen incapable of dropping the book its been one hell of a ruff ride. Which is a shame cause it started ok. Ish . For me anyway . Like it was always going to be difficult coming off of big goffs jons run but damn son. Shits been grim. The writers basically set about destroying everything fun about about gl. starting with the base concept of silly syfy space cops cutting about with power bling. There was a whole arc about how using power rings was draining the light reservoir. Because silly fun has to have a cost? Its one of my most hated tropes in fiction . Limiting the use of your gimmicks to seem more mature. Like when warp speed was tarring holes in the universe back in the next gen. Did anything ever come of that ? I hope not. A trip to memory alpha may be needed.

Also all the blue lanterns died . Yes . Even that elephant guy. Cry.

I feel the rest of the cores are down too buy I honestly couldn't recall from memory what there up to. I think the red lanterns became all about moustaches for a bit.

Oh yeah and every green lantern but hal is dead. Even mogo . Again . Hal seemingly killed kiolowog accidentally himself.

Sigh. Well comics are comics and everything will be fine eventually. Everything always snaps back to the status quo or there about's eventually. That said green lantern is the poster boy book for my theory of DCs stratagem of letting everything go to shit after a big writers run. Cause its always going to be a tuff act to follow right ? So why not lean into that. Just ruin everything that made fans love that property before bringing in a new team and righting the ship. I feel bad about saying that. There has been parts of the current run that Iv quite liked. Its just soo ruff to see gl in this state. Under goff it somehow became the red ranger franchise of DC . For a bit . Shaping events like blackest night. Crazy days indeed. The constant death and rebirth of the green lantern corps is a definite thing . Lurching between universe ending events was what it was all about for sure. Its probably a symptom of my compressed memory but to see it dead AGAIN feels too soon. Like it never felt like the corps had time to breath and be space cops. And not a space army. Witch is the dumbest and most angering thing. Stop referring to the gls as an army in your not at all down with the yoof DC YOU marketing DC . Is dumb.

Anyway. Hal jordan is not captain kirk currently. He's a off brand star lord cutting about in a trench coat in a space ship with a passive aggressive A.I not even slinging the ring but instead packing a power glove. Its something new and different at least ? Kinda ? Its super neo 90s anti hero comic in design. Its kinda scary that creators are taking stuff from 90s comics in a serious way . Though I guess its only fair since all of that silver age plundering. Maybe we'll get guy gardener producing guns from his flesh at some point again . Dreams.

Anyway. Have you seen hal jordans hair recently ? Sure it was anti hero long. A little wintery soulgury if you as me. But last issue it went full hair metal ! Id be impressed if I wasn't soo sicked by how far gl has fallen. This issue it went totely out of control ! Its like that kind of weird not actually a mullet but its definitely the kind of hair cut that would hang out with mullets. Our would at least by a mullet a drink if it saw one down and out in a bar somewhere. Its far from the worst thing to come out of this green lantern run we haven't even talked about that whole stretch of time when hal was actively space hitler but I feel its emblematic of the problem of where the books at and how DC feels about it.

floooooowing !

Be better green lantern. Please ? For the old days ?

The NU look comic book quickies 12/1/12

Week two week two its week two ! Have I explained the week system ? I feel like I have, I spose I could go back and check but that would take effort so here's a quick recap for you. Since DC launched the new 52 the weeks have been clearly defined as a four week cycle, last week was week one now that's a hell of a week with both action and detective comics oot. This weeks sort of a breather week as there's not too much oot to wreck the wallet with. Well now you know and knowing IS half the battle! Though you all probably know this already sorry to talk down to you my internet comic masters.

 

GREEN LANTERN #5

written by Geoff Johns art by Doug Mahnke

Sinestro leads his former people against his own yellow lanterns. Then his former people tell space Hitler to get the funk off world. So well played general public of korugar you've proved your already miles ahead of the marvel universes mental health. Pretty gid issue though I'm starting to wonder what sinestros long term plan is because the feeling I get from the events of this book are that its entirely possible that sinestro wants to be a proper green lantern again, there's really no reason for him to keep the ring on and he could have gone back to being his old self all ready. Maybe the grate space dictator just understands that he's part of a BUDDY COP TEAM and just gets at a very deep and primal level that to be a buddy cop is to be the most AMAZING thing in all creation, the very peak of all galactic EVOLUTION ! The guardians as of the last page of this issue are the big bads of the current ongoing arc. They actually say NOTHING CAN STOP US NOW !!! MAHAHAHHAHAAAHA ! Well they might not have laughed. There's a small chance I made that part up.

SUPERBOY #5

written by Scott Lobdell art R.B Silva

Super boy wares a bad ass hood and cape and turns his tron lights off to go rescue an old friend. He is only like three weeks old but he still gets to have old friends. So I'm sure last time I talked about how bi poler superboy is, like one issue he's all emo and thinks he's just a weapon but the next he's all its my life I'll live it the best I can. Well now I'm thinking its not the character that's bi poler its the entire book that's like that. So superboys back working for n.o.w.h.e.r.e which is like a less subtle nerve from neon genesis evangelion that's after “dangerous” teen meta humans. There gendo kills a bunch of his own mooks. I guess that all just fine and dandy. Not a bad issue by any means id just like it to be a little more consistent in favour of the those awesome I'm NOT a weapon issues.

 

FRANKENSTEIN AGENT OF S.H.A.D.E #5

written by Jeff Lemire art by Alberto Ponticelli

AWWWWWWWW HELLLS YES ! Frankenstein fights omac. AND IT WAS AMAZING. That's it really. This issue was part of a cross over with omac #5 but I never knew that till I read the first page of this book. WELL PLAYED DC. Wait not well played not well played at all, I might have got omac if I had known before hand. Happily you didn't have to buy omac to understand what was going on so points to franky for that. It was a nice all fight issue that starts with franky sort of on holiday in Tibet bringing the beat down to some man eating dwarfs. awesome. He gets called in by s.h.a.d.e and checkmate to bring in a run away omac. This leads to a fight and like I said earlier It was AWESOME. I went into this with some doubt think that it was a cheap cross over trying to drum up some new readers for omac but dammmm this is just what I needed after that last issue that left me depressed what with it reminding me of that god damn dark age comic that you can see still haunts me. It just left me with a warm fuzzy feeling inside my manly guts. Gotta say though the arts not for everyone with its sketchy jumbled look and even I found some of the panel layouts had to follow on first glance but give it a go its well worth a look.

Also what do you think of or new look ? Leave a comment and tell us what you think !

comic book quickies 25/8/11

Now that the Flashpoint filler fest is over with we can charge forward into a new era of comics! DC is rebooting its universe with 52 new titles. the rebootverse is here! A month full of new number ones!

JUSTICE LEAGUE #1

Written by Geoff Johns art by Jim Lee

So this is the first book of the new universe, the jumping on point for new readers and most likely the highest selling book of the year. As a comic on its own it was pretty gid but to me personally I didn't think it was a good start for the new universe. A team was not put together. I know it probably wouldn't have worked having all the league in issue one but it doesn't feel right, all we got was Batman and Hal Jordan being buddy cops chasing an alien and getting shot at by cops. Not the epic start I was hoping for but as I said as just a comic it was fine with some cool moments between the two heroes. Really its main problem is that it's being so clearly written for the trade making it an ungodly slow start.

ACTION COMICS #1

Written by Grant Morrison art by Rags Morales

Rebootaverse superman is kick ass. This is pretty much everything you could want for a #1 featuring superman. He keeps doing superman-y things! He bends guns, jumps tall buildings and gets hit in the face by trains. Ah, just like the old days. At the same time though he is quite un-superman-y and kind of Batman-ish, throwing wife beaters out windows and neo Nazis into sewage works. He's not proper Supes yet, he's young and incredibly arrogant but its only issue one and he'll get that kicked out of him eventually. But dudes its MORRISON writing superman it'll be fine.

DETECTIVE COMICS #1

Written by Tony S. Daniel art by Ryan Winn

So yeah in the lead up to the New 52 I heard nothing but bad things about this book that it was going to suck cos of the writer and that Batman #1 was where it was at. But I got it any being that it is Detective Comics #1 so it surprised me that it was a lot of fun. It's Batman's first run in with the Joker and it's handled pretty well, the Jokers still a sick bastard and surprisingly for me the Batman of this book is pretty balanced and by that I mean he's not grim dark he's focused on getting the joker but to too focused to forget about collateral damage and I'm not sure where this falls in the time line but he must be young as the Joker actually lands some hits on him. Yeah, he'd been hit by joker gas but he's still Batman. And yeah, something pretty mental happens at the end that makes me want to read more. Pretty good for a book that labelled filler in my head before I read it.

STATIC SHOCK #1

Written by Scott McDaniel art by John Rozum

This was just fine, nothing mind blowing but a good introduction to a young hero. One weird thing is Static is operating out of New York which is just odd to me I dont think of the America of DC having a New York, Metropolis and Gotham kind take over from it. So yeah nothing bad to say for this comic.

JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL #1

Written by Dan Jurgens art by Aaron Lopresti

See this is weird man, the JLI is all together before the proper JL is. Well this is set after the JL forms in comic book time but in real world time the jokey JLI seems more like a real team than the all star universe launchers back at the top of this page. The United Nations put a team of heroes together and make Booster Gold the leader. Hilarity ensues.

And finally an in depth look into the event comic that brought us this new era. FLASHPOINT: a retrospective:

THOMAS WAYNE. Nuff' said.

Review: Justice League and Subway

Over the last couple of months or so, when buying your favourite DC comic titles you may have been excited when you picked up a book off the shelf and discovered it was slightly bigger than normal. Unfortunately, this is not extra pages devoted to the actual story, it is instead an ADVERSTORY (I just made that up, can you tell?) involving the Justice League and a bunch of famous athletes who I've never heard of because I'm not American teaming up with the Justice League in order to fight villains. Unsurprisingly, these are generally pretty bizarre. Generally they follow the same basic structure:

1)Bunch of athletes are chilling and shit and decide they need amazing Subway(R) food.
2)Villains appear.
3)The Justice League show up.
4)They team up and defeat the enemies.
5)Mention once again how awesome Subway(R) sandwiches are.

Now, let's go over the four issues of this masterful and ground breaking epic individually.

Issue 1

Some Hand Egg players are chillin by a beach, and man are they hungry in the hot Hawaiian sun. But what to buy? Thankfully, this decision isn't hard, and the team soon decide on ENERGISING and delicious Subway(R) sandwiches. Unfortunately, their lunch is interrupted as they tell us about the virtues of Avocado (It's a super food!), Aquaman is washed up on the beach! This seems out of character for the King of Atlantis. It turns out the evil Black Manta and Oceanmaster were trying to kidnap the poor man. :(

Thankfully, just in the nick of time Green Lantern shows up and scoops the villains of out of the ocean and puts them into a massive bucket full of water, while the hand egg players beat the fuck out of dudes. Sadly, Black Manta has decided to fuck this shit and is running away WITH THE SUBWAY(R) SANDWICHES! HOW TERRIBLE!. Just in the nick of time, the rest of the Justice League show up and save the day! The hand egg players muse that if they hadn't had the Subway(R) sandwiches, they wouldn't have had the energy to fight! Thank heavens!

But what of our intrepid hero Aquaman? What happened to him? Is he OK? I sure hope so!

*Spits out coffee*

AQUAMAN.  FUCKING AQUAMAN, THE DEFENDER OF THE EARTH'S OCEANS, HAS LEARNED NOT TO SWIM ALONE.

And then the Handegg players eat their subs, and talk about how good Subway(R) is. The end.

Issue 2


Sadly, none of the other issues lived up to the promise displayed in episode 1, but we shall persevere.

Issue 2 opens with a Basketball player ordering an awesome sub with Avocado in (noticing a theme yet?), but oh no! Buying this delicious food has made him late for his dunk show! No worries though, Mr Nascar racer shows up and offers to give him a ride, but on their way they come across the Justice League in mid fight with Grodd and his army of primates. Despite being late for some Basketball guff, they decide to help the Justice League. Grodd tries to control their minds, but because they ate at Subway(R), they aren't tired and can withstand the pure mental torture. Avocados must be fucking amazing.

Mr Basketball player then throws a ball in Grodd's face, removing his powers through sheer epic force, meaning the rest of the Gorilla's are no longer under his control. But oh no! Basketball-man is late for his dunking thing! Hal has an idea though! He quickly makes a replica Nascarmobile (Complete with all branding, including Subway(R) and moves the car to get there on time! Basketball dude even wins! What a great day! He even has some of his sandwich left!

Issue 3


Amazingly, issue 3 actually contains one athlete I've actually heard of! The greatest Olympian of all time, Michael Phelps! He's with his buddies Gymnastic Chick and Mr Ice Skater in the Gotham City Athletic Training facility, well, training. Some dude turns up with their Subway(R) lunch , and they marvel at the Turkey, Bacon and Avocado sub for a panel. Then Mike tucks into his Meatball Marinara. If I was his trainer I would be worried, those fuckers are unhealthy. Oddly, everything seems to be going OK, are they actually going to get lunch in peace?

No.

Fucking Batman suddenly comes flying through the wall, closely followed by Mr.Freeze and Solomon Grundy. Batman sprays tear gas or some shit and Solomon, and he goes mental and throws him away.  Thankfully, our good hero Green Lantern shows up randomly and saves him in a baseball glove.

But oh no! There's a child in the pool! Why he's inside the pool of an Olympic Training facility with no supervision, I have no idea, but he needs saved damnit! Michael Phelps dives in and saves the little dude,  while the Ice Skater skates about on ice frozen by Mr Freeze, cutting comedy holes so Solomon Grundy can fall through. But who will defeat freeze? Answer: The Gymnast Chick of course! She does some acrobatics and hits him, but it's not quite powerful enough! SHE MUST NOT HAVE EATEN HER SUB! Thankfully, Batman and Hal must have, and they beat the fuck out of him.

After this, they reconvene to talk about Subway(R) products. Despite my earlier assumptions, it seems Batman hadn't eaten a sub, since he enquires how to get the sheer avocado power. Then Phelps eats his THIRD sub. I sincerely hope he's having ham this time, or his London 2012 shall be a failure. Mark my words.

Issue 4


Sadly, we've reached the last issue. Thankfully, they don't go out without an appearance from everyone's favourite fat fuck turned thin Subway(R) corporate shill, Jared Fogle! He's hanging out with some sporting chick I guess, I don't care anymore. Walking down the street to go buy some sandwiches, they see some commotion in a building site and Green Lantern's light. It turns out he's fighting the Manhunter, and apparently not doing so well. He gets thrown up into some girders which fall and almost hit some dude, until Jared saves the day. Seemingly despite not having eaten Subway that day, he still has the Avocado powers. My hypothesis is that he eats Subway(R) so much, he's been permanently imbued with the powers.

After saving the dude, he's about to be attacked by  Manhunter, but the chick (Who apparently is a boxer) punches him with her bare hands and fails. But it's OK! Green Lantern provides some light based boxing gloves, which helps in knocking the dude out. To finish things off, FUCKING JARED has found a cement mixer, and covers him in cement. The rest of the Justice League show up late (they must have been at Subway(R) and finish off the job, Flash by running fast to avoid Manhunter escaping,  Wonder Woman by tying him up and Supes to dry that cement.

And with all the evil enemies of the DCU defeated, Jared and Boxer decide to finally make that trip to Subway(R). An obligatory Avocado reference is made, and all is well in the world. Sadly it seems Jared(R) isn't paid well by his corporate overlords, as he only has $5 on him. This upbeat tale of of healthy eating and overcoming evil ends on a sad tinge of the human tragedy of the recession. Good work DC and Subway(R) restaurants.

So yeah, these comics are fucking terrible, but at least when you buy a comic you get six extra pages for your $2.99 or $3.99, so I got enjoyment that way.