Review: Justice League and Subway

Over the last couple of months or so, when buying your favourite DC comic titles you may have been excited when you picked up a book off the shelf and discovered it was slightly bigger than normal. Unfortunately, this is not extra pages devoted to the actual story, it is instead an ADVERSTORY (I just made that up, can you tell?) involving the Justice League and a bunch of famous athletes who I've never heard of because I'm not American teaming up with the Justice League in order to fight villains. Unsurprisingly, these are generally pretty bizarre. Generally they follow the same basic structure:

1)Bunch of athletes are chilling and shit and decide they need amazing Subway(R) food.
2)Villains appear.
3)The Justice League show up.
4)They team up and defeat the enemies.
5)Mention once again how awesome Subway(R) sandwiches are.

Now, let's go over the four issues of this masterful and ground breaking epic individually.

Issue 1

Some Hand Egg players are chillin by a beach, and man are they hungry in the hot Hawaiian sun. But what to buy? Thankfully, this decision isn't hard, and the team soon decide on ENERGISING and delicious Subway(R) sandwiches. Unfortunately, their lunch is interrupted as they tell us about the virtues of Avocado (It's a super food!), Aquaman is washed up on the beach! This seems out of character for the King of Atlantis. It turns out the evil Black Manta and Oceanmaster were trying to kidnap the poor man. :(

Thankfully, just in the nick of time Green Lantern shows up and scoops the villains of out of the ocean and puts them into a massive bucket full of water, while the hand egg players beat the fuck out of dudes. Sadly, Black Manta has decided to fuck this shit and is running away WITH THE SUBWAY(R) SANDWICHES! HOW TERRIBLE!. Just in the nick of time, the rest of the Justice League show up and save the day! The hand egg players muse that if they hadn't had the Subway(R) sandwiches, they wouldn't have had the energy to fight! Thank heavens!

But what of our intrepid hero Aquaman? What happened to him? Is he OK? I sure hope so!

*Spits out coffee*

AQUAMAN.  FUCKING AQUAMAN, THE DEFENDER OF THE EARTH'S OCEANS, HAS LEARNED NOT TO SWIM ALONE.

And then the Handegg players eat their subs, and talk about how good Subway(R) is. The end.

Issue 2


Sadly, none of the other issues lived up to the promise displayed in episode 1, but we shall persevere.

Issue 2 opens with a Basketball player ordering an awesome sub with Avocado in (noticing a theme yet?), but oh no! Buying this delicious food has made him late for his dunk show! No worries though, Mr Nascar racer shows up and offers to give him a ride, but on their way they come across the Justice League in mid fight with Grodd and his army of primates. Despite being late for some Basketball guff, they decide to help the Justice League. Grodd tries to control their minds, but because they ate at Subway(R), they aren't tired and can withstand the pure mental torture. Avocados must be fucking amazing.

Mr Basketball player then throws a ball in Grodd's face, removing his powers through sheer epic force, meaning the rest of the Gorilla's are no longer under his control. But oh no! Basketball-man is late for his dunking thing! Hal has an idea though! He quickly makes a replica Nascarmobile (Complete with all branding, including Subway(R) and moves the car to get there on time! Basketball dude even wins! What a great day! He even has some of his sandwich left!

Issue 3


Amazingly, issue 3 actually contains one athlete I've actually heard of! The greatest Olympian of all time, Michael Phelps! He's with his buddies Gymnastic Chick and Mr Ice Skater in the Gotham City Athletic Training facility, well, training. Some dude turns up with their Subway(R) lunch , and they marvel at the Turkey, Bacon and Avocado sub for a panel. Then Mike tucks into his Meatball Marinara. If I was his trainer I would be worried, those fuckers are unhealthy. Oddly, everything seems to be going OK, are they actually going to get lunch in peace?

No.

Fucking Batman suddenly comes flying through the wall, closely followed by Mr.Freeze and Solomon Grundy. Batman sprays tear gas or some shit and Solomon, and he goes mental and throws him away.  Thankfully, our good hero Green Lantern shows up randomly and saves him in a baseball glove.

But oh no! There's a child in the pool! Why he's inside the pool of an Olympic Training facility with no supervision, I have no idea, but he needs saved damnit! Michael Phelps dives in and saves the little dude,  while the Ice Skater skates about on ice frozen by Mr Freeze, cutting comedy holes so Solomon Grundy can fall through. But who will defeat freeze? Answer: The Gymnast Chick of course! She does some acrobatics and hits him, but it's not quite powerful enough! SHE MUST NOT HAVE EATEN HER SUB! Thankfully, Batman and Hal must have, and they beat the fuck out of him.

After this, they reconvene to talk about Subway(R) products. Despite my earlier assumptions, it seems Batman hadn't eaten a sub, since he enquires how to get the sheer avocado power. Then Phelps eats his THIRD sub. I sincerely hope he's having ham this time, or his London 2012 shall be a failure. Mark my words.

Issue 4


Sadly, we've reached the last issue. Thankfully, they don't go out without an appearance from everyone's favourite fat fuck turned thin Subway(R) corporate shill, Jared Fogle! He's hanging out with some sporting chick I guess, I don't care anymore. Walking down the street to go buy some sandwiches, they see some commotion in a building site and Green Lantern's light. It turns out he's fighting the Manhunter, and apparently not doing so well. He gets thrown up into some girders which fall and almost hit some dude, until Jared saves the day. Seemingly despite not having eaten Subway that day, he still has the Avocado powers. My hypothesis is that he eats Subway(R) so much, he's been permanently imbued with the powers.

After saving the dude, he's about to be attacked by  Manhunter, but the chick (Who apparently is a boxer) punches him with her bare hands and fails. But it's OK! Green Lantern provides some light based boxing gloves, which helps in knocking the dude out. To finish things off, FUCKING JARED has found a cement mixer, and covers him in cement. The rest of the Justice League show up late (they must have been at Subway(R) and finish off the job, Flash by running fast to avoid Manhunter escaping,  Wonder Woman by tying him up and Supes to dry that cement.

And with all the evil enemies of the DCU defeated, Jared and Boxer decide to finally make that trip to Subway(R). An obligatory Avocado reference is made, and all is well in the world. Sadly it seems Jared(R) isn't paid well by his corporate overlords, as he only has $5 on him. This upbeat tale of of healthy eating and overcoming evil ends on a sad tinge of the human tragedy of the recession. Good work DC and Subway(R) restaurants.

So yeah, these comics are fucking terrible, but at least when you buy a comic you get six extra pages for your $2.99 or $3.99, so I got enjoyment that way.