comic book quickies 30.1.13

Hey there sports fans. Light week all right. Only five books to pick up. Damn solid though is the thing. Makes a change it has to be said. Each week has been jam packed with comics for ages now. Iv been considering dropping a few things. But GOD DAMN. Every things just too damn good to let go. Quality is like way high across the board. And even the titles I should realistically drop I cant. Because of madness. Blue beetle has ended. To be fair. I think. I did here it was ending quite awhile back. Again to be fair I can see why. The beetles book just wassny living up to what it could be. It wasny overly bad. Just meh. It went with the hole jamies life is shite angle and I don't get why any one would think that's a good idea. Damn shame really. The blue beetle deserves a well written and fun book. Hopefully he'll get another chance some ware down the line.

Any way on to this week !

TEEN TITANS #16

written by scott lobdell and fabian nicieza art by brett booth

Right so here me out on this one. Actually surprisingly good. I know right. There's something about that cover that makes me feel guh. Its just weirdly meh. Enthusiasm drainingly so. BUT the actual comic was pretty damn decent. its the second teen titans issue tieing into the batman death of the family cross over arc threw the connection with red robin. We do get a few appearances from the other titans but there basically here to comment on there cross over with red hood and the outlaws and set up further plot points for latter issues of titans. Most of the meat of the issue is red robin and red hood being buddy cops. It works. Red robin is a tad unbareble for my likening. Were always told how smart he is and that's never really followed up on with anything all too memorable. Red hoods kind of a lad in comparison. Jeason todds has been getting some good press from me lately. He's been fun in actual batman and in batman inc. now there both buddy coping because thieve been kidnapped by the joker. Right so the joker likes. He references kirks fight with the gorn. That's the best use of the joker since marvel vs dc. Witch admittedly was just the other week for me. The death of the family tie ins have been pretty fine if you ask me. Almost everyone of them has been over shadowed by the actual batman book but that's been knocking it out of the park so that's to be expected.

THE FLASH #16

written francis manapul and brian buccellato art by francis manapul

I don't think it can be said enough. Francis manapuls art on the flash is fooooking amazing. It really is fooooking amazing. Right. There. I said it enough. For now. Gorilla grod continues his assault this week. That's another thing about this book. It totally just has shite like gorilla grod kicking about. I very much appreciate the super funness of this. Now stuff has been getting real for wee barry allan. Well basically stuff hasn't stopped getting real for him since issue one. I kinda like that. Normally I'm a monster/problem of the week type of guy and this sort of extended stuff happening plot turns me off a book. Not so here. Here it works. Mostly because of that super fun element. Patty now knows barry is the flash. And she's cool with it. MORE COMICS SHOULD BE LIKE THIS. Now yes the world is kind of ending thanks to grod. Well not factually ending but in a dramatic sense so patty's taking well as there sort of operating in a war footing frame of mind so the reveal is sandwiched between more crazy shite. Barry was cutting about in last weeks super girl. Being a lad. you's should go check that out likes. It has some perfect ass banter from barry. Much like barrys banter from early issues of the justice league. Barry banter. That should be a thing.

AQUAMAN #16

written by geoff johns art by paul pelletier

Quality comics happening right here people. The throne of Atlantis crossover arc continues to chug onwards. Its going well if you ask me. Its got that all important momentum behind it. Importantly its also avoiding the nasty businesses of encompassing too many books as other cross overs of this type do. I'm looking at you green lantern books. Shame on you for you many many poorly defined cross over events. AQUAMAN though. He's a bit of a on again off again lad. He as a character is sort of the most boaring thing about the book. As I've said before he's the least interesting and weakest guy on the aqua ranger team. usely being the normal guy on the team makes you awesome but he dosent carry that vibe off all that well. EVERTHING ELLE'S is awesome though. Like everything. And if its not inherently awesome then its smothered in the awesomeness of something that's near to it. The plots goat plenty packed into it. Revelations and action as well as some much needed cyborg banter. Really cyborg needs to get a whole lot more fun. Yeah it probably sucks that your a cyborg. Cant say what id do in that circumstance. Id most likely build a mech to combine with. I think we all know that actually.

 

BATMAN INC VOL 2 # 7

written by grant morrison art by chris burnham

oh Morrison. You beautiful bastard.

SUPERIOR SPIDER-MAN #2

written by dan slott art by ryan stegman

Superior is totally fine likes. Absolutely nothing rang with it. Now yes ill grant you it dose sound horrible. Doc ock taking over spider-man's body and pete being dead. Yes spoiler. Spoilers for like a month or so people. Who actually dosny know this all ready that all ready reads amazing spider-man ? So yes it may appear horrible on first or even second glance. But and this is a big but. Its totally fine. Its just exactly as well written as the rest of dan slotts run on amazing. It has the same super fun action banter with slotts trademark denseness of stuff happening. Yes ock is a bastard. But he's a fun bastard. I can see not everyone excepting that. Fine. Fair play likes. Again here's the thing. Peter parker is still kicking about as mind ghost. There SHEER utter LADNESS of yami pete. Its very difficult to put into words. There's an actual fuck ton of banter that comes from this issue and yami pete provides about 90% of it. Going out on a limb here but I'm sure I could take a year of superior. Its really no all that bad. Don't let its overtly hateful premise and adjective. scare you away

DC versus marvel comics

 

Today I had the good luck of stumbling upon a piece of comicness that I feel I was really missing out on. A big crossover brawler. I don't think its something you go and seek out. Its big and dumb and more than a little bit silly. Despite that I think if your a fan of super hero comics I think its something you'll want to read at some point in your lives. That piece of comicness I found today day was marvel vs dc comics. And damn son. That was some awesome shite. Ayes I have this feeing in the back of my head this isn't the best of the marvel/ dc cross overs. That's fine likes. I'm sure ill get to that at some point. For now lets take a look at this properly fighting gamey cosmic cross over.

 

The 90s likes. Have I mentioned how the 90s are the perfect form of reality ? The utopian age of man all right. Not necessarily for comics. To be fair. The 90s are generally regarded as the dark age of comics. A time ware every hero got a touch of the grim dark and became more shoulder pad and pouch than man. Course there were gems here and there but its likely 90s comics will always be remembered for there shiteness. There always gid for a laugh though. has to be said. Also there was this hole comics crash thing caused by people buying too many shite comics thinking it would be an investment for the future. Its all very bizarre to our modern eyes. Or not. Depending on how things go in the current age of comics. Point is the 90s will be remembered as a pretty bad time for comics over all. Comics did start to get better though. That latter half of the decade has a rich vain of fine comics. They have this vibe likes. This good vibe. Much less grim dark and over all happier. Better made is what I'm probably trying to get at. Forerunners of the modern age of comics. Now marvel vs dc is not quite all that. But it definitely has seeds of that in bedded in it.

 

Plot wise the marvel and dc universe's are actually two dudes. Vast crazy cosmic concept gods who hate each others guts. They fought each other until they wiped everything out and restarted existence leavening them with no memory of the other. Events kick off when they remember but instead of dukeing it out again they chose champions from there respective universe's to fight it out for the right to exist. An with that the heroes of the dc and marvel universe have to battle each other or risk non existence.

 

See. Vast cosmic stuff. Its really a lot of fun. Sure aye there's one basic problem in its a big crossover ware the heroes just fight each other but its done in such away ware most of the fights are really friendlies than tooth and nail conflicts and there's enough banter to sustain it. Aye the winner of the fights was decided by public ballet. Its dumb but just roll with it. It dosent spoil the fun too much. Now the fights are nicely entertaining but id say the books main achievement is the interaction between the different heroes. Particularly in the first two issues before the fighting properly kicks off. The sheer vibe of ben reilly as spider-man hanging out with the joker. Being pals. Its something special likes. Its that kind of thing ill remember about this book. Stuff like J jonah jameson being the new chief of the daily planet. Bossing Clark kent around. Actually as a rule jameson's a gid guy to follow for awesomeness. Point is I enjoyed the banter more than the actual fights.

Not to say the fights are bad likes. There just all that meaty. Not that id want fights between heroes to be all that meaty. The fights in Dc vs marvel don't provide the all time definitive version of the who would win in a fight scenario. Sadly id have to say the 90s are one of the culprit's in that. See the heroes here aren't the big bold classic version's of themselves. Naw. There the 90s versions. Now that's not necessarily a bad thing. Most of the then current versions are fun and some are fairly unchanged form there iconic selves. Its just in the hulk vs superman fight your not getting the glorious man of tomorrow vs the savages hulking monster. Your getting mullet man vs fun Bruce banner in charge party hulk. Its not sucky likes. Far from it. It might just not be what your expecting to get out of this. To be fair at its core this book is about awesomeness. Because holy fuck. Superman vs the hulk ! Batman vs captain America ! Thor vs captain marvel ! No matter how dumb you think fighting events are. Those are some big beautiful concepts right there. Thor is a bit of a cunt though. Not sure what they were trying to do with him during the 90s. Not sure I want to know. Aquaman more than makes up for him though. He only really appears for his fight with the submariner. But damn. The sheer ladness generated is just wonderful.

Now the foreword of the trade says that they wanted to give the public more than just a fist fight. the result of that may be what this crossover is remembered or forgotten for depending on what your feelings on it are. The amalgam universe. It was totes a thing. During the course of the plot the dc and marvel universe are fused into one. Merging separate heroes into one. Its both quite nifty and very silly. That's a nice balance. Let me tell you though its damn weird to find an amalgam comic out of context. I did in my youth. Weirded me the fuck out. Like. Its batman. But he's also wolverine. What's that all about ! Well its because of this cross over. AND KNOW YOU KNOW ! From the little iv seen of it I have to say that I quite like it. Its this weird cross company thing that just exists. Like its just there. You'll probably find it in discount book shops if your as lucky/ unlucky as me.

 

Aye so this wee event has its flaws. Its both awesome and sad that its from the 90s. Its not necessarily the icon versions of the characters your getting but there's genuinely entertaining banter to be found here. And really. Its marvel vs dc ! What more do you want !

PONDER!

So, nursery rhymes. First made famous by serial killers and the Riddler, they can be pretty fucked up.

The best known nursery rhyme is "Baby, don't touch that, you'll get HIV", but a close second is Row Row Row your Boat. And I intend to discuss that here today.

"Row, Row, Row your boat" This first stanza is typically melancholic, if not down right angry as it is sung. This is largely due to it's nature as a command, however unlike baa baa black sheep, this is not about slavery, as slaves cannot own property, and the line is not "Row MY boat"


"Gently down the stream" Here is where the melody tends to get lighter, as the imagery is evocative of a calm stream in the English countryside at some point between the wars. It harkens back to a time that may not have existed at all.

"Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily" A sense of profound jollity, that loses it's meaning in repetition. Perhaps reminding us that that aforementioned lost Arcadia is truly lost. The tune descends with the repetition. Spiralling towards the chilling finalé

"Life is but a dream" This is what elevates the piece above mere mother goosery. A childrens song would compare life to a dream as a simile, to say that life is so lovely, not dissimlar to a dream. But no, the authot has decided to remind us once more of the impermanance of all things. Life is but a dream, and all dreams must end. We awaken when we see the world as it is. The past is an ideal, the future a promise never to be fulfilled. And at the end, all we are left with is the now. We must take pleasure in it, the rowing, for it is all that truly IS. The fact the song is sung as a round only serves to further enhance the Manhattan-esque experience of time as instants, unconnected by causality, an ever shifting presence.

Or perhaps the author was as fond of rowing as wordsworth was of daffodils i.e. annoyingly so.

Fight the Powah.

Ten or so comics you should probably take a gander at in 2013 at some point

As iv said quite a bit recently its a damn good time to be reading comics. In my humble opinion the quality of both marvel and dc's output has increased. Ayes the marvel now campaign is a pretty shameless attempt to cash in on the new 52 but fair play likes most of what I have read of it has been genuinely entertaining. The one big casualty has been the loss of high numbering for books and the loss of history that come with it. Yeah that just ain't right.

First up I have to give an honorary mention to mudman. Mundan is mind brakeingly amazing. Some the finest comics I have ever read. I don't have the words to praise it high enough. Nooooot sure if there will be an issue of it out in 2013 so I don't think it should go on the list proper. Like aye it probably should go the list now that I think about it. Nah. Its fine here. In first place. Not really. But aye.

All new x men

In its short wee life all new x-men has brought the world a truly wonderful thing. Bendis back on form. Holy fucking defoe is that a beautiful achievement. It seams being free of the avengers books has reminded auld bendis that he's actually a pretty good writer. Every things just done soo well. I admire that bendis is aware of Cyclops and his massive cuntness. Big magneto is still the voice of reason on team Cyclops. Try to understand that for a moment. Not only did mad auld Mr genocide have the moral high ground over Cyclops during A vs X. He STILL HAS IT. Now to get me to read a x men book you'd have to do something pretty special. I don't particularly hate the x men. I just don't have the time to learn about there own wee corner of the marvel universe. No one really dose. What it being a huge god damn corner. A wee universe into its self. All new x men succeed though with its quite fantastically gimmicky plot of time travelling young scot summers to to talk some sense into his future self. Cyclops being soo far off the deep end he wont listen to any reason. not even when its him self. Aye. You've hooked me. Also beast is kinda dieing. He's fine though. The production rate is wonderfully fast. Its been like a month and were at issue five. So quantity AND quality. All new x-men has a fair bit of both.

Amazing spider-man

So there's this wee book called amazing spider-man. Its had a surprisingly long run. Over the last two or so years its probably been the best thing on the shelves. Aye fair play it might just not be your thing. It has to be said though AMS has been consistently amazing for all of dan slotts run. Now that's really something for its twice a month schedule. Aye its a had a few not so amazing issues. But only a few. Like maybe three or so issues. Its a shoncky time to be singing this books praises what with amazing spider-man having controversially ended this past boxing day. Issue 700 is something you'll have to read and make up your own mind on. Personally I thought it was quite well written. Hitting all the tropes that make spider-man who he is. In bizarre and probably unnecessary way ill admit. Everything before that in slotts run though. Utter gold. Spider-man at his most spider-many-est. That's a recurring thing with me. I quite like it when characters are written as themselves. Being all there capable of being. So aye the books currently on skakey ground what with not existing so id HIGHLY recommend checking out everything from the start of the big time arc onwards.

 

 

Aquaman

Now yes. This new version of aquaman isn't the brave and the bold version. Yeah. I know that hurts to here. Its a gut kicker all right. The new 52 reboot was the perfect time to insert him into actual canon. Fuck knows what the dc big wigs were huffing. Somewhat fair play in that goff johns run has ran with the aquman is a joke thing. Aquaman isn't quite the lad he should be. If you can get past that though there's a lot in this run to like. Namely its amazingly Saturday morning cartooness. Its johns special technic to be sure but there are issues latter on that really get it across. Basically. Atlatian millennium items. Aye. See that happy soul you now have. Thank aquaman and the fact he has a book again. There's actually an aquaman event kicking off right now crossing over with justice league. Its damn niffty stuff. Epic wide screen blockbuster action movie niffty at that.

 

The flash

Now I might be incredibly wrong and if so disregard everything I'm about to say or for that matter have ever said. But I feel the current run of flash dosent get as much love as it should. Its another one of them very comicy comic book. Lots of super heroics and fun plot happenings. What really sets this book apart is the FANTASIC art. Now a lot of books out there have terrific art and a lot of them have grate writing to full that art. Flash's book is one you could probably sell on the strength of its art alone. It makes me very happy that the writing here is as fun as the art. Iv read few books ware the writing was shite but the art was melt your eyes beautiful . I'm looking at you early red hulk. Barry allan became a bar tender for an issue. I feel I speak for the human race as whole when I say this should be Barry allans default civilian job. Fuck police work. Tending bar is the man's SOUL ! It was a rogues bar to boot. See that's the kind of thing that gets you on a prestigious list like this. Also there's this gorilla invasion thing happening. But mainly its the bar tender thing. Go read it. You'll completely understand me.

Iron man

Right now iron man is basically tough act to follow: the comic. Surprisingly I think to everyone. Its been going quit well. The last run of iron man was a big deal as a far as I can tell. What can I say. I was late to the party. This marvel now run of the book has been brilliantly enjoyable in its surprisingly goodness. A sure fire way to make a wee house in my heart made of stone and discarded deary lee tubs is the monster of the week plot. Basically bolt power rangers to your book and you've got me hooked. Now yes I should probably address the poorly drawn elephant in the room. Aye greg lands on art duties. Annnnnnnnnnnnnd at the risk of being shot before the council of the internet. Ahh dinny think the arts alllll thhhhhat bad. Like it is. But I don't really care. The armour bits work fine its just the whole human thing that might be a bit off putting to human readers. If you can get past that your set. Special mention has to go to issue two. Which might just contain in its controversially drawn but fantastically written pages. The seeds of the future. Here me out on this one. Its amazingly shonen.

FF

FF is one of them new young uns iv been reading from marvel. Now aye its not really all that new as its just a renumbering. It has to be said though with the new creative team the books shooting for something completely different. That being wacky silver age fun with modern day banter. Now aye its for too early to say how that's worked out or if it will continue with that vibe in mind but I do quite like it as it stands. Plot wise its a sort of a buddy cop book to the main fantastic four book. A new fantastic four has been assembled to look after the earth as the real fours off universe hoping instead of curing cancer or working on that whole super villain problem. Fair play the true fours only meant to be away for four minutes in our time but of course something go's wrong. Its a book that had a fair bit of buzz in my local area. Mainly because of the super cool silvery age looking art. Have to say the first issue didn't really do it for me with its almost bendisie talking heads but issue two more than made up for that in my opinion. Again its one of those young books but it makes this list with the great amount of potential its shown so far.

 

Batman

What more can be said about Scott Snyder's current run on batman ? Its pretty much perfect after all. Possible the biggest barnstormer of a comic of the last two years or so. Definitely the big mainstream book to read and the one to suggest to new people just entering the world of comics. Its perfect for that actually. Its just the right level of awesome and batmmanyness to entice new readers in. It started off strong with the court of owls arc and hasn't really faltered along the way. I may have some personal grievances with it but there really not justified in any factual way. Batman really is the A bat book. Since the re launch its the best written and has the best art as well as haveing far and away the most Zeitgeist to it. Its a shame really. Synders success has taken away morrisons crown of being the head batman guy. Some would say fair play. Batman incs probably to silly for a lot of people. I get that but it is a damn shame. I had some concerns at the start of the run that this new younger rebooted batman couldn't fully live up to the bat god of the recent past. I think I was almost completely proven wrong on that about mid way threw last year when batman metaphorically / sort of kinda actually hulked out into the bat god. That was a crazy issue likes. My only concern at the moment is the current story line with the return of the joker. I'm just not digging it. I get that its well written I'm just not digging the vibe of batman actually having to try. Blisteringly good read despite that. Id advise you to pick up the run quick. The first printings are selling for silly money these days.

 

One piece

Now yes this is kinda cheating. One piece is a manga and the rest of this list is about comics. Iv betrayed you I get that. Just a except this and move on. See if your not reading one piece right now or if you've never read one piece or even if yon just not a fan of any manga. Go read one piece. Like right now. I don't mind how. Just go and read it. It'll be good for your soul. Barring that ill be good for your well being. I'm not sufficiently levelled up to describe to just how perfect one piece is. But understand this. It IS perfect. Like in every single way. Now aye I here saying its just a wee shonen manga. Nothing special Naw pal. That's amazingly wrong. The problem here is. I genuinely don't have the words to describe to you its perfection. Just go out there in to big world and find some one piece to read for yourself. And I feel like that's another important factor. I feel you need to experience it for yourselves. Own your own. Its not something I can hype up for you and make you want to read. So ether go out and find volume one or if that dosent fully absorb you, mad bastard that you might be then go out and get volume fifty. And then if you don't like it please get yourself checked out. Because you night not have a heart.

 

Green lantern new guardians

Yes. A fairly controversial choice ill give you that. From issue one iv gone on about how the lantern ranger book Is just a wee bit shite. And aye it was a bit shite to be fair. But here's the thing. It got FUCKING AMAZING. The story of New guardians fills my broken auld heart with almost pure joy. Books can change likes. They can surprise you. Just cause there shite for like a whole year dosent mean they'll be shite forever. I'm being harsh of course. For most of its run its wasn't properly shite. It just wasn't living up to its full potential as a lantern team book. That and the art while not bad was a bit generic. Which was endearing ayes. But towards the end of the first year got to me a bit and its charm sort of wore off. So id recommend you pick up new guardians from its zero issue onwards and join kyle rayner on his quest to become a master of all the lantern spectrum. It may also be worth picking up again for all of you that dropped the book early on. I thank my mad dedication for helping me endure the first arc.

Saga

Gonny just read saga. Like just gonny. No matter who you are. You'll probs love it. That's been my experience of it. For example. I love it. Concerning its more mature content I should probably hate it. But there's the thing. I do love it. Aye there's some bleak bits here and there and there's a fair few bits of it that are too far out for my likening. Its most likely because its just written so damn well. Soo much banter. Like every ware on every page. If you like banter this is the comic for you. Aye space banter. Its gid though. Now I could be wrong but I think this is my first experience of indi book doing quite well. Now aye its image so you may not call that indi. I would but your mileage may vary. Its nice though. To have a trendy wee book hitting the big time and being universally loved. I might just be speaking for my self but I think its something we as a comic book community need. From time to time at least. If this list was a proper count down saga would probably be down here at number one. Its just soo comic booky that it deservers it. Well its earned it actually. Id recommend you pick up the first trade. Its out the now and its only about seven pound. So bargain there.

Right so there you have it. My list of ten or so comics you should probably take a gander at this year. All of them are books I'm currently reading and get a kick out of. I hope you take a wee peek at a few of them. Give one a flick threw in the shop if can.

Byes !

Great Expectations 1.11: You May (Not) Kiss Me If You Like

Okay peeps and peepsvenas, cards on the table. I like English. I read the fuck out of Great Expectations. It’s one of two fiction books I own that have highlights. I wrote an essay on it which was 70% focused on the last line of it. And a film of it came out recently.

So yeah. Pip and Estella’s relationship is kinda fucked up if you ask me (which you do, at your peril) since it’s kinda based on idol worship and emotional abuse. In fact, watching it now, it seemed kinda...familiar...

"I'm so fucked up"

The book had two different end lines; “I saw the shadow of another parting from her” and “I saw the shadow of no parting from her”. The first was the original, which Dickens changed because his friends thought it was depressing...

"Congratulations!"

But I always interpreted the second line to mean that Pip finally realised what it would mean to be stuck with Estella; that he could only see her flaws now that he had her, the shadow of no parting. But this is irrelevant, as the movie keeps things fairly ambiguous at the end. Actually, does it fuck. It’s basically the ending to empire strikes back; Pip says he loves her, she says “I know”. Well, not really, but you get the point.

Oh, and this movie’s version of Herbert pocket (who I’ve been calling Matthew for the past year or so) is about 50% gayer than the version in South Park.

Speaking of which, if you’ve seen the Season 4 episode “Pip”, The first half of that is incredibly accurate to the book. I’m dead serious. Hell, even the second half is still thematically appropriate, and I will explain why;

1. “This is my new boyfriend Scott. He’s 17 and has a car”

This is referencing a character that is apparently the main antagonist. I barely remember him being a presence personally, but then think the books more about Pip’s massive character defects than any kind of love story, so the only antagonist I would see is Estella and Miss Havisham. But yes, Bentley Drummle’s a dick weasel who is rich and a trust fund kid (SUBTLE SOCIAL COMMENTARY) who beats Estella and stuff. Estella stays with him because he’s the richest man in the world, and she feels that they are just punishment for one another. Which brings me on to...

2. “I need the tears of Men to power my Genesis Device”

Miss Havisham was wronged in the past by men, and wants to revenge. She does this by raising a daughter as a weapon against the male sex, and succeeds. She encourages Pip to love Estella because she knows that they can never be together, and she gets off on that apparently.

3. “And as for YOU Pip, my robot monkeys should take care of you!”

The Robot Monkeys symbolise 19^th century society and its corrupting influence, which is symbolised in the book by the sickness Pip gets as his debts are finally called in. And Penises. Symbolism is always Penises. Except when it’s a vagina. But even they are sometimes Penises. Or the Tarot.

So, in conclusion, this is a good film to watch.

The Mad and Hat Pirates Year in Review Awards Review Part Deux: The Squeakqueling

Proudly presented by Jim’ll Fix it and Romney/Ryan 2012

*NB Some categories have been replaced. A surprising amount have not.

Best puzzle platformer involving Blocks and Pulling

Fallblox

Best Use of Stan Lee

Rupert Murdoch (The Leveson Inquiry)

Most Awesome Dunban

Dagran (The Last Story)

Least Awesome Dunban

Vaan. Bloody Fucking Vaan.

Most disappointing Villain Accent

Jim Moriarty (Not quite so mentally mental as at the end of series 1)

Most Obvious Villain

6-way tie: Therius(The Last Story), Jirall(The Last Story), Count Earl Arganan(The Last Story), The Drizz’t Twins(The Last Story), Zangurak(The Last Story).

Least Obvious Villain

Dagran(The Last Story)

Best Game Set in 2012

Persona 4

Most Understated Psychic Powers

Dark Phoeniclops

Best Comic to base a Barbie on.

Sword and Sorcery (Amethyst. Seriously, Feminism would be much further along if little girls used lines like “Some grandfather of mine must have been careless where he spilled his seed” while playing with Barbies like I used to.)

Greatest thing Ever

Kingdom Hearts DDD: Riding FUCKING MONSTRO in a boss fight (#fuckyeahimonawhale)

Dirtiest Sounding Name

Pandora’s Tower

Most Shades of Grey

Deus Ex: Human Revolution

Most What the fuck is going on with Cyclops right now?

Seriously. How come he’s so damn evil these days? He’s the one who didn’t want to get with Jean because he was so paranoid about a premature discharge from his deadly eyebeams. Now he’s a fucking rogue state. Is he planning on changing his name to Kim Il Summers? Or is he going to go full Magneto and only answer to Cyclops? Also, bear in mind that he fell in love with the Phoenix, and not really Jean (there was a whole thing when she came back about it, and how she couldn’t live up to that) so now that he’s been the phoenix...Also, you know how Scarlet Witch had to use up the phoenix force (which Galactus described as “all the worlds yet to be born”) to restore mutants? I mean, it’s not like she can just wave a magic wand and say “More Mutants” and everything’s sorted...except that’s EXACTLY how they got into this mess in the first place.

David Bowie Spotting

Zigzagoon, Balthier, Emperor Mateus, Miles Edgeworth, Liquid Snake, Louis Cyphre, Lucifer, Lucifel, Helel, Louisa Ferre, Demyx.

Crusader Kings II
Bloody peasants!

I'm sure that more than a few of you have heard of the Game of Thrones TV series by now. An excellent program based on the Song of Ice and Fire Saga by George R.R. Martain. It's a fantastic series with so much intrigue and backstabbing I think I just committed treason by glancing at the cover. See the program, read the book, I don't care, just have a go and you won't be disappointed. Fact is, gamers want a game of GoT, and they got two of them. They were shit. So we shall make do with Crusader Kings II, a game that gets you as close to the GoT lifestyle as possible, straight down to having sex with your sister and a dwarf brother trying to kill you!

Sexy, sexy incest made possible with stats and menus

So. We'll start with what CKII is. Its the usual grand strategy affair you expect from Paradox. Deep and complex, manual as big as a Yellow Pages, excellent at giving a great sense of satisfaction when a plan comes together and you'll have no fucking clue what the actual hell you are doing for the first ten hours. I call it the Paradox Curse. They make good games, brilliant games. No-one has any idea how to play them. That is the only real criticism I have of CKII. My advice is to check out a few let's plays and read some wiki's if you decide to buy it. Cracking on, CKII lets you play as the head of any noble family from the period of 1066 to 1453 with one goal. Earn your dynasty more prestige than various other historically significant European dynasties of the time. If you die and you have no heir to take over, its game over. 
The level of detail is truly astounding. You can marry, kill, impregnate, intimidate, befriend, backstab and possibly give back rubs to any of hundreds of characters each with their own stats, traits, behaviors and motivations all trying to work/backstab/marry their way to the top. Children are born with genetic traits of their parents and other traits from who you decide should educate them. Said children tend to grow up resenting your oldest son for being your heir and I've had to stop half dozen assassination attempts by jealous siblings in one playthrough. If you play as a king then you are fighting your own nobles, either in the court or on the battlefield, as much as you are fighting other nations. The game may be just a map with sprites and a bunch of often indecipherable numbers and menus, but the level of drama trumps most of the triple AAA offerings of today's games. 

"Sorry m'lord. I couldn't find the menu for horses.

So you may have guessed by now I really hate the interface for CKII. I have good reason, its a bloody nightmare! Honestly, playing this game, even after doing the tutorial, is like being asked to solve a Rubik's Cube before getting on a bus to pay your fare. Yes, you understand the concept of both of these,  you could eventually figure out the Rubik's Cube, but you'll be stumped as to how they connect to each other or why the hell you even have to do the Cube in the first dam place. That's the problem, you're not entirely sure what effect your actions are having or why you are doing them. I married my son to a Norwegian Princess but I couldn't say what it caused except her dad liked me a bit more. With time and patience you can see past the clunky interface and see that its all very simple at it's core. It isn't complicated, its just a lot of information horribly presented. I can't blame Paradox. There really isn't a simple way to do it. 

My only real other complaint is that wars can be a pain in the arse to start. To start a war you need a claim, which can be gained through marriage or bringing a claimant to your court or fabricating a claim which can take years in game, so you have legal right to do so. That or if you are a smaller country you can request an invasion from the Pope. Its all very counter productive if you wish to expand, you have to plan years, even decades, in advance which I suppose, in the end, is more in keeping with the time period of the game and encourages the intrigue side of it.

"One day, many years from now, my great grand children may have the right to brutally kill everyone in that castle."

The intrigue is where the game really separate's itself from the rest. As mentioned earlier, your nobles and kin are all murderous buggers and will make your life as much of a living hell as possible. The solution in my case? Kill them all first. Keeping them all happy is impossible and putting one in the dungeon just riles up the rest! Murder, revoking titles, rebellion, getting laws changed, you've got a good selection of morally dubious options at your disposal and so do your vassals. 

Crusader Kings II is a difficult game to get into. But once you do you'll not find anything else like it. I highly recommend giving it a go, its only about £15 on Steam so its hardly going to dent the bank balance. To top it off, there is a Game of Thrones mod in development.

Brilliant Medieval simulator,
horribly presented. 
85%

Life of Pi: or how I learned that to stop caring and pass two hours that I’ll never get back.

Life of Pi is life affirming and shit. There’s the review that everyone wants to read. They got that half right.

This is a very pretty movie. The plot is not very good. Also, there’s surprisingly little tension for a film about a boy trapped in a boat with a tiger. This is largely because the tiger is a metaphor for primal rage and the like. Hell, the twist at the end all but says this. But yeah, the movie can largely be summed up as “ah, who cares about empirical evidence, I like Jesus and all his pals and I think I’m better/more bohemian than you”. It’s like a self help book about “finding yourself”. What people need to learn is that all you need to find yourself is a Japanese exchange student with ties to the dojima clan to life coach you into a better person. If you’re very lucky, something horrible will happen and you’ll become an x-men.

Speaking of X-Men, Life of Pi (along with every other “high brow” film) had a trailer for Salman Rushdie’s new film “Midnight’s Children” which seems to be equally life affirming and Indian (I swear that there’s needs to be a better word for “like slum-dog but not as good”) except that I’m not sure what it’s about. Two kids are born at midnight on the day of India’s independence, but because one’s rich and one’s poor, the doctor switches them to even things out for the new India. According to Indian Science, inheritance is an inherited trait. Anyway, nouveau riche seems to grow up to be a cunt, and nouveau pleb (who has rich people genes, so he’s better?) he...well here’s where I’m not sure. They trailer makes mention of this a lot, but doesn’t actually show it. Apparently, Pleb can give the people around him superpowers. And not like subtle ones, flying and shit. So yeah, Indian x-men.

So at one point Pi gets to an island full of meerkats, which is shaped like a sleeping man, and there’s this lotus flower malarkey that was kinda foreshadowed way at the start so I immediately called dream sequence. But it kinda wasn’t. See, the story pi’s been telling is a delusion full of metaphor he made up to assuage his guilt at having had to kill things (hence the tiger).  Pi is a murderer. He killed a man, and hid it from his family. But hey! That doesn’t change anything! In either story all the peeps end up dead, what does it matter if it was in a shipwreck or by a vengeful teenager! Spiritualism! The worst part is, the actually true story sounds like a much better film. Less pretty obviously, but with, y’know, characters and a plot and tension.

So yeah, don’t watch life of pi. I’ve spoilt it. Or rather, there was a monkey, a tiger, and a blog post, and the tiger posted info about a film on the blog while I sat enthralled by it’s predatory majesty and the monkey didn’t like it.