Bagguy vs the man of steel

Superman wins obviously.

Wellzers. Fashionably late to the party as always. But the man of steel did indeed hit cinemas at some point in the immediate past. Never has a community stood so divided as the geek community dose today. Wells. That's grossly over egging it. The split is really between comic book fans and the hated normals and between actual fans of superman and folk that could just take or leave the big boy scout. Id like to say up front that I did enjoy man of steal. I thought it was ok. And at points it was even quite fun. However. This was not the film big supes deserved.

Now before we get in the negatives there is a fair bit to like about the film. There's HELLA action for one thing. Now. A lot of folk would say that's a bad thing. And ayes it is at certain bits but we'll get to that later. Come on now folk. You need lots and lots of ACTION in a superman film. Like. Come on now. Its good they went all action. You get to see supes DO stuff. With a big budget. And for the most part it is awesome. You can call it dumb if you like but I like that they just went all out with the fighting and the physical god level craziness.

I quite liked the bits where superman wasn't superman yet. Now put away your torches and pitch forks and let me explain. Superman not being superman can get quite hateful. It was a risk they were always going to run what with it being yet another origin film but they pulled it off quite nicely if you ask me. From the trailers it looked like we would be getting quite a bit of fisherman supes which I think you'll agree looked quite hatefully hipster. But as it turned out the fisherman shtic was only a vehicle to get supes to an oil rig to do some life saving. See it COULD have been hateful but it turned out fine.

There was a fair chunk at the beginning of the film that took place entirely on krypton. I here that as base brakery as the film is this part was well received. I put that down to jor els general pimpness and the fact he rides a dragon at one point. I mean, I really wasn't prepared for the dragon. I should have been. What with that one issue of supergirl ware she rides a dragon. So I should have been aware kyrptonian dragons were a thing. I just wasn't expecting to see it in the real big deal synder/nolan superman reboot is all. And oh my it was awesome. Im not really a big dragon man. Its just the sheer absurd surprise of it the thing.

Jor el himself was quite the lad. Like he manages to CQC the fuck out of general zod. General zod. Krypton's legendary soldier. Defeated by a sqwisihe scientist. In hand to hand combat. Well. I guess you get points for being supermans dad. And fair play he is killed by zod eventually. Now here's where the ladness comes in. jor el dose indeed kick the bucket in the opening act but comes back. As YAMI jor el. If you've followed any of our coverage of superior spider-man you'll know about our unending love fer yami pete. God king of the banter. Now yami jor el dose get some choice bits of banter here and there but he mainly utilises his yami ness to cut about. I amazingly approve of this.

Superman him sell came off quite well as a character I think. Well for the most part. Folk just never seem to shut the shit up about superman being a terrible character to write for. That because he's such a god he's unrelatable. These people are actual bastards. Supes is a grate dude. And ayes he's powerful. Juggling planets and all that. Power dose not make you unrelatable or just a bad character because of it. There are countless actual gods cutting about comics that folk love. Its a trendy double standard to hate on superman. Because he's apparently cheesy or childish. That said iv seen some encouraging things from other folks reviews about man of steal that seem to show the myth that its impossible to do a good superman story is somewhat vanishing. Good stuff !

Man of steel had a darn solid cast all right. Your mileage may vary on if that cast was put to good use though. I herd claims of blandness. I don't see it. But that might just be my own good actor blindness. I tend to see. If a like a particular actor in a particular role ill probs be hella forgiving on the actual acting. That said. Do do think everyone was doing a fairly good job with what the script was giving them. I thought henry cavill did a nice job as superman. Like in the scenes ware he was properly being superman I think he had it locked down. Being so superior to humans superman walks a very dangerous line of smarmyness that's sometimes tricky to pull off. Like you need a wee touch of smarm for the flashiness of the character.

Zod was an all right villain too. I say all right. At the end of the day he was quite shite. I'm not sure he won a single fight. Even like I was saying he lost to jor el. Its a little weird. He is built up as kyriptons greatest warrior so for him to lose AWW the time is quite weird. Though I guess he IS a general so I suppose he's not meant to be the absolute best fighty fighter. I did like him and his gang though. They were quite funky with there power amour and eventful superman sun powers. Supes fights with them we're amazingly dragon ball z. though I suppose that's the only way they could go in this day and age. Its not a bad thing. Even though I'm kinda making it sound like one.

Now with al that said. Man of steel dose have some amazingly hateful unforgivable moments.

Pa kent. Pa kent why. Oh god. Why. What have you done ? You monsters. You actual monsters. Pa kent in the man of steal verse is just. I don't even know what. Like I don't quite comprehend why they made him the way he is. I don't even what to try because he was so hateful. I should actually say what my beef with him was. He's not a lad. Not at all. Pa kent is supermans dad. He's meant to give superman that un shakeable moral compass. He's meant to inspire clark to be more than an ordinary man. Superman may be a god. But he gets what makes him a legend from humanity. From the upbringing the kents gave him. And in this film I don't think I'm far off the mark in calling there pa kent a monster. There's a bit in the trailer where pa kent is conserned that kid clark saved a school bus full of children from drowning. Including all his fiends and bullies. Kid clark asks if he should have let them drown. Pa kent reply's maybe. That is unforgivable. Now I get pa kent wanted to keep his son safe and feared that if the world knew about him they'd probably take clark away and dissect him. Fuck that. Kid clark can lift a bus from a lake on his lonesome. He can take who ever rocks up to the farm looking for him. Now. I can buy that pa kent wants his son safe at any cost. I can. But any other pa kent wid be disgusted at this universe one. Pa kent teaches supes to save as many people as he can BECAUSE he can. Its like pa kents whole deal.

As cool as the final fight in the film was. As much as it averted short lame boss fights at the end of current gen super hero movies and movies in general. It was amazingly stupid. Thousands if not hundreds of thousands of innocent people MUST have died. Metropolis is now just a crater. It be one thing if was just because of zod and the villains and that it was unavoidable. But no. a lot of the damage could have been stopped by superman and some case's it was superman actively causing the damage. Yes you read that right. The last fight of the film is between superman and a fully powered up zod battling in a darn crowded metropolis. They basically go at it like like neo and smith from the last battle of the matrix revolutions. That was fine there because everyone in the matrix was a smith so the collateral damage was lessened and it was somewhat an end of the world scenario. Here. Supes dosent seem to give one single fuck for the people of metropolis. Flinging zod threw buildings and flinging stuff at zod that either impacts around him causing damage to the surrounding area or explodes. EXPLODES. Now I feel the hatefulness might be lessoned if it was just two other random super beings. But this is superman. He would sure as fuck care about the people of the city. Caring about people is what superman dose. SAVEING people is what superman dose. Yes. He'd still be fighting zod but the entire time he'd be thinking about ways of getting zod away from civilians and he'd be saving folk from the buildings zod was collapsing and not actively trying to collapse buildings himself.

Now. We've all trecked threw spoiler country. I should have probably started of by saying that there would indeed be spoilers. But its a fair few weeks after the films release and I feel its common knowledge now. But fair play. I have encountered a fair few folk that have decided to wait for the dvd because of its mixed reviews by actual critics. so for the last bit here. Major ending spoilers.

Man of steel reaches its climax with supes having zod in a head lock in ruins of metropolis. Superman has proven that bizarrely he is the better fighter. Zods no looking well. He's lost his mind just a touch. Well. I suppose he wasn't always there. But my point is. He's gone full mental. It looks like it all over but zod bust out his eye beams on this family that just happens to be standing around. Slowly. Like really slowly. The family could just run away. But naw. There only very slightly trapped. They COULD just walk around the eye beams. But naw. They don't. Like the massive twats they are. Well. my point is. Superman is forced to kill zod. He just snaps his neck. With a crack of thunder. Now to tell the truth. Superman killing dosent bother me as much as it should. I'm not to sure why. It just didn't shock me. I feel like superman has killed folk in the past. What is was though was a massive downer. Like in the cinema we saw it in. the kill just sucked all the fun out of the room. You could totes feel it leave. It was quite the moment. Now I don't want to bleather on about the rights and wrongs of superman just killing fools but its certainly one of the things that has divided folk. I can totes get that. I SHOULD be agreeing with them. Its probably the worst thing ever. But I dunno. Its just something that happened.

So. I quite liked it overall. It man of steel is an all right film spoiled by a few bizarre narrative choices. Though I would say it worth a watch. But maybe only on dvd when it comes out. Which isn't something I want to say about a big new superman film.

Great Expectations 1.11: You May (Not) Kiss Me If You Like

Okay peeps and peepsvenas, cards on the table. I like English. I read the fuck out of Great Expectations. It’s one of two fiction books I own that have highlights. I wrote an essay on it which was 70% focused on the last line of it. And a film of it came out recently.

So yeah. Pip and Estella’s relationship is kinda fucked up if you ask me (which you do, at your peril) since it’s kinda based on idol worship and emotional abuse. In fact, watching it now, it seemed kinda...familiar...

"I'm so fucked up"

The book had two different end lines; “I saw the shadow of another parting from her” and “I saw the shadow of no parting from her”. The first was the original, which Dickens changed because his friends thought it was depressing...

"Congratulations!"

But I always interpreted the second line to mean that Pip finally realised what it would mean to be stuck with Estella; that he could only see her flaws now that he had her, the shadow of no parting. But this is irrelevant, as the movie keeps things fairly ambiguous at the end. Actually, does it fuck. It’s basically the ending to empire strikes back; Pip says he loves her, she says “I know”. Well, not really, but you get the point.

Oh, and this movie’s version of Herbert pocket (who I’ve been calling Matthew for the past year or so) is about 50% gayer than the version in South Park.

Speaking of which, if you’ve seen the Season 4 episode “Pip”, The first half of that is incredibly accurate to the book. I’m dead serious. Hell, even the second half is still thematically appropriate, and I will explain why;

1. “This is my new boyfriend Scott. He’s 17 and has a car”

This is referencing a character that is apparently the main antagonist. I barely remember him being a presence personally, but then think the books more about Pip’s massive character defects than any kind of love story, so the only antagonist I would see is Estella and Miss Havisham. But yes, Bentley Drummle’s a dick weasel who is rich and a trust fund kid (SUBTLE SOCIAL COMMENTARY) who beats Estella and stuff. Estella stays with him because he’s the richest man in the world, and she feels that they are just punishment for one another. Which brings me on to...

2. “I need the tears of Men to power my Genesis Device”

Miss Havisham was wronged in the past by men, and wants to revenge. She does this by raising a daughter as a weapon against the male sex, and succeeds. She encourages Pip to love Estella because she knows that they can never be together, and she gets off on that apparently.

3. “And as for YOU Pip, my robot monkeys should take care of you!”

The Robot Monkeys symbolise 19^th century society and its corrupting influence, which is symbolised in the book by the sickness Pip gets as his debts are finally called in. And Penises. Symbolism is always Penises. Except when it’s a vagina. But even they are sometimes Penises. Or the Tarot.

So, in conclusion, this is a good film to watch.

Life of Pi: or how I learned that to stop caring and pass two hours that I’ll never get back.

Life of Pi is life affirming and shit. There’s the review that everyone wants to read. They got that half right.

This is a very pretty movie. The plot is not very good. Also, there’s surprisingly little tension for a film about a boy trapped in a boat with a tiger. This is largely because the tiger is a metaphor for primal rage and the like. Hell, the twist at the end all but says this. But yeah, the movie can largely be summed up as “ah, who cares about empirical evidence, I like Jesus and all his pals and I think I’m better/more bohemian than you”. It’s like a self help book about “finding yourself”. What people need to learn is that all you need to find yourself is a Japanese exchange student with ties to the dojima clan to life coach you into a better person. If you’re very lucky, something horrible will happen and you’ll become an x-men.

Speaking of X-Men, Life of Pi (along with every other “high brow” film) had a trailer for Salman Rushdie’s new film “Midnight’s Children” which seems to be equally life affirming and Indian (I swear that there’s needs to be a better word for “like slum-dog but not as good”) except that I’m not sure what it’s about. Two kids are born at midnight on the day of India’s independence, but because one’s rich and one’s poor, the doctor switches them to even things out for the new India. According to Indian Science, inheritance is an inherited trait. Anyway, nouveau riche seems to grow up to be a cunt, and nouveau pleb (who has rich people genes, so he’s better?) he...well here’s where I’m not sure. They trailer makes mention of this a lot, but doesn’t actually show it. Apparently, Pleb can give the people around him superpowers. And not like subtle ones, flying and shit. So yeah, Indian x-men.

So at one point Pi gets to an island full of meerkats, which is shaped like a sleeping man, and there’s this lotus flower malarkey that was kinda foreshadowed way at the start so I immediately called dream sequence. But it kinda wasn’t. See, the story pi’s been telling is a delusion full of metaphor he made up to assuage his guilt at having had to kill things (hence the tiger).  Pi is a murderer. He killed a man, and hid it from his family. But hey! That doesn’t change anything! In either story all the peeps end up dead, what does it matter if it was in a shipwreck or by a vengeful teenager! Spiritualism! The worst part is, the actually true story sounds like a much better film. Less pretty obviously, but with, y’know, characters and a plot and tension.

So yeah, don’t watch life of pi. I’ve spoilt it. Or rather, there was a monkey, a tiger, and a blog post, and the tiger posted info about a film on the blog while I sat enthralled by it’s predatory majesty and the monkey didn’t like it.

First impressions: Pirates of the Caribbean 4.

Now, I’m more of a ninja man for preference but I enjoy the buckling of swash as much as any man and I’ll have it noted that the name of this blog that ye do be readin’ was originally my idea. And so it is, I feel, with a small amount authority that I can tell you about the fourth instalment of the Pirates of the Caribbean series: On Stranger Tides.
 

Most important thing about this one; Captain Jack Sparrow is the star almost exclusively. The only other characters who get anything like the same screen time are other pirates, one of whom is freaking BLACKBEARD so that’s badass. That damned whiny Orlando Bloom character is mercifully absent as is that skinny girl whose name I can never remember, you know the one. Bend it like Beckham, she got made king of the pirates in the last film. Her.

Anyway! That leaves this instalment plenty of time for the unrealistically AWESOME action scenes that made people love the Pirates films in the first place. Sparrow swings from chandeliers, jumps between horse drawn carriages while avoiding gunshot, fights with swords, steals the king's cream cakes and generally oozes the same roguish flair the character’s known for. 

There are of course some down sides. For one thing there is a distinct lack men made of rubber, 70 year olds who can punch islands in half, guys who fight with more swords at any one time than they have hands to carry them in OR mysterious superpower granting fruit of diabolic origin. COME ON DISNEY! These are things I’ve come to expect from my pirate themed media and if you can’t keep up then you shouldn’t be in the race.

There ARE mermaids though. And they are NOT like the one in that other Disney film you may have seen. They will fucking kill you. There’s a scene where Blackbeard’s crew tries to catch one (apparently you need fresh mermaid’s tears to make the fountain of youth work, I don’t know why) and they get absolutely brutalised. It’s quite a spectacle. But in the end they do catch one and it’s the worst thing that happens in the movie. Why? Because FOR SOME REASON there’s a missionary on Blackboards ship and FOR SOME REASON he falls in love with the captured sea demon and spends the rest of the film whining on about her twice as earnestly as Will Turner and Elizabeth Swan ever got. Thankfully though that character is marginalised enough that he didn’t ruin the film, but god could he kill a scene.

As is the same with all the other Pirate movies (with the possible exception of the first one) it starts off much stronger than it ends. That’s not to say the ending was actually bad, it’s just not as clever or funny as the introduction of Jack Sparrow or the mid story shenanigans, It’s just a fairly predictable clash of the various factions seeking the fountain of youth. In its defence though it seemed far less rushed than the ending of the last episode (though that may have been somewhat due to my ill considered consumption of various caffeinated beverages before going to see a film featuring lots of running water, if you catch my drift).

CONCLUSION TIME! Pirates 4 is probably the best one since the first one. It has all the bits you liked from the franchise and tries its best to cut out all the stuff everyone was complaining about. It’s funny, it’s stylish, it’s got magic and it makes as good a plot as it can while dealing with pirates discovering the fountain of youth, which is more than can be said of Pirates 3.
 

WATCH IT

First Impressions: Sucker punch

Do you ever make chilli con carne? Have you ever made chilli and forgotten to season it properly? I have and I can tell you, it’s a strange and extremely disappointing experience to taste it afterwards. All the right things are there, the flavour is roughly similar and all but somehow it just isn’t anywhere near the standard of your usual cooking.

Can you see the parallel I’m trying to draw here?

The action in Sucker punch is bad, really bad, it commits the cardinal sin of action in film, it’s boring. It shouldn’t be, it has zombie Nazis, robots and dragons fighting unrealistically attractive and scantily clad women one of who rides a mecha suit. Not to mention it’s made by the guy who directed 300 and Watchmen, this film should kick ass but it doesn’t. Here’s why:

The zombie Nazis aren’t threatening at all, as the heroines can and do walk through them as though they were unnamed enemies in a dynasty warriors game.

The robots are just as ineffectual and have a bad habit of standing around and waiting for the stars to kill the last lot before trying to shoot them themselves.

The dragons cause a few more problems for the goodies but are ultimately both killed by one sword wound. Very anti-climactic.

The mecha, and all of the other military equipment one of the girls pilots (She seems to be the designated driver) are all very capable of getting the various missions done in seconds due to the sheer armour and fire power afforded to war-machines and so are forgotten about until they reappear as a convenient deus ex machina.

The girls, while unrealistically attractive and scantily clad, don’t have much character and never once let loose a quick badass one liner. So they don’t carry the film on the back of badass characters.

Overall it just isn’t very exciting. Remember what action films were like before the new Batman and James Bond films? Everyone jumping about on wires and ploughing through mooks without a thought (and not in a good way), none of the hits had any weight to them.

That’s what this is like and it’s a style of film I think Hollywood should really have moved past by now. There are a few nods to the Zach Snyder school of action, you know, the action slows down and speeds up you know the drill. Also, do you remember the first fight in Watchmen where the comedian gets thrown out of his window? Remember how when he gets punched in the face it goes slow-mo and his face gets all distorted and ripples with the force of the punch? That shot is in this movie and it kind of sucks. Probably because a twenty something year old actress probably has much better skin elasticity than Jeffrey Dean does.

So I don’t think Sucker punch is a very good action film. Or maybe to be clearer, I don’t think Sucker punch is a very good action FILM. Without giving out any spoilers the structure of the main bulk of Sucker punches plot structure is consists of the main character progressing though a comparatively realistic over world by going from area to important area and entering a symbolic themed world where the hero’s have to shoot, hack and slash there way though a selection of enemies usually culminating in a climactic battle.

This isn’t just me is it? That’s the plot of a video game right?

I love video games and all but when your high budget blockbuster’s plot is directly comparable to Pokémon red and blue you’ve made a mistake or two.

At the end of the day Sucker punch is the worst thing I’ve seen from Snyder, both in terms of screenplay and execution, it tries somewhat to do something a bit clever here and there but it uniformly fails. It ain’t great but it’s got tits and guns in it so it’ll probably make money right?

DON’T WATCH IT.