It has Risen.

Why yes, we DO do reviews on this site

You might have not noticed any reviews from me in a while. This is due in part to my wild sex parties with international diplomats on the ISS, but mostly it’s because I’m not very good at completing games. This is mainly due to the fact that I get very near the end, and then suddenly I’m in the mood for a completely different genre. This makes reviewing games pretty difficult, since you are kinda meant to complete them first, or if you prefer “view”. That, and I tend to play games that are have been out for more than a year, so there’s not much point reviewing it unless I have an angle. So I haven’t been.

And indeed, I’m not going to. Today, I want to talk about genres.

I have roughly 323 games at the moment, and I’ve completed about 80 of them. To help with this, I compiled a spreadsheet to organise them, the idea being that when I fancy a change of genre, I know exactly what games fit that. While making this list, I noticed one fairly obvious thing: The genre system doesn’t work.

The video game genres have been around since at least the NES, when games were simple, and plot was the least of anyone’s worries. However, as games have evolved, the genres have not. I think the last new genre that people regularly use was first-person shooter, which I hear is all the rage these days. But even that’s not very useful. Halo is a game played from a first-person perspective, wherein one shoots at things. Clearly, the system works, no?

Consider Gears of War and Metroid Prime. Two very different games, and neither quite fits the FPS genre. In Metroid, the game is played from a first-person perspective, and you DO shoot at things, but the emphasis is far more on exploration than warfare or murder. Hell, you can get quite far without firing a shot (well, except for doors obviously). This game does not feel like Halo to me. Gears on the other hand, feels very much like Halo. You are a marine of some sort, shooting at aliens. The only major difference is the perspective and the presence of chest-high walls behind which to cower. So should Gears get its own genre, such as “Third-person cover based shooter”?

Well, no is the answer to that. That’s not so much a type of game as a description of a type. But there is one thing that all three games have in common; they’re all Sci-Fi. But simply using the prose and film genre’s doesn’t give any indication of gameplay. Sci-fi covers Metroid, Halo, Portal, Fallout, Mass Effect, every single Star Wars game, opoona, Xenosaga, and even Super Mario Galaxy. So what do we do?

Part of the problem with making new genres is that there usually aren’t enough examples outside of one series, hence why there is a genre based entirely around two series (Metroidvania, and if you need that one explained to you, you need to spend less time in the healthy sunshine).

Of course, Erasmus Lucinda Fandango did not make his name backing down from challenges. Allow me to sort it out once and for all. Behold! The Genres of tomorrow...Today!

Whimsies

Games with very “cute” characters, bright colours and an all around wholesome feel, like Littlbig Planet or Super Mario Galaxy, or Bubsy 3D.

Spooky-Go-Boos!

Games which either try to create an atmosphere of tension and dread, or just throw in a jump scare and dripping blood every now and then. Examples include Alone in the Dark, the New Nightmare (exactly WHICH I leave up to you), Resident Evil, The Chzo Mythos, or Bubsy 3D

Geimu-Chan

Games with Japanese People in them. The kind where you know that even before it’s released there will be a “healthy” supply of yaoi fan art of the protagonist and a main villain bonking. Examples Include any Final Fantasy, any Pokémon Game, Any Kingdom Hearts, Any Persona Game, Any visual novel, or Bubsy 3D.

I should point out here that I like all of those games (except the one which evokes a sense of tension and dread), and have nothing against the Japanese People, except Yaoi Fangirls. They’re on par with fans of Twilight and Glee.

The Final Legend of Super Fire Metroidvaniamon Country Man’s Adventure and Knuckles Wars

Nostalgia bait. A sequel made for the sake of making a sequel, rather than to further the plot or improve gameplay, possibly with no thought given to whether or not the game ought to be made in this new way, and usually with massive backlash. Not always a bad thing. The examples will be. Metroid: Other M, Castlevania Judgement, Final Fantasy XIV, Link: The Faces of Evil, Hotel Mario, or Bubsy 3D

Baubles and Gee-gaws

Hidden object games. Games based on films. Minigame compilations that can easily be found much better online. Any Wii-game where you have to waggle the remote in a way which does not in the least correspond to the action being performed. In short, idiot bait. Examples are Just Dance, The Simpons Game, Shutter Island, Carnival Games, or Bubsy 3D

Seriousnessness

Games where realism takes precedent over, you know, fun. Examples include Flight sims, Endless Ocean, Driving games without an item button, My Fireplace, Microsoft Excel, or My Cozy Fireplace.

Ah, Now I remember why I’m not allowed to run for government.